I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
