That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
