just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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