ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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