I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
