Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Randomize
