I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
