I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
