PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
