You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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