Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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