Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
