Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
