haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
