Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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