if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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