My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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