i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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