You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
