How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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