I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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