she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Randomize
