mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
