I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
True college students do jello shots in the library
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