just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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