i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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