I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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