No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So many bounce houses so little time
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
