my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
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I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
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A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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