Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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