Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
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I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
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In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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