Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
