Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Randomize
