Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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