i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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