Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
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We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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