Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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