Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
