What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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