I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
