I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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