got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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