There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
