Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
