Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
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Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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