I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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