I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
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