stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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