Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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