His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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