life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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