New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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