i need an iv and a liver transplant
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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