I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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