My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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