I accidentally burped into my bong.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I had to cum in my sink.
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