dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
